Freakin' Hairy

This muse was from July 2007 and it sill gives me a chuckle.  I wrote this under another handle - Apollo.

I enjoy running. I don’t run every day, but I try for 3 times a week. In high school, we’d run cross country in the fall. Since school started at the end of August and beginning of September, we began to train in the latter end of summer. Usually we’d run without our shirts … we were studs. Back in the day, I gloried in my chest … it had a little hair. But times changed and I soon didn't like the hair on my chest. By my freshman year in college, I was shaving … my chest. It’s all gone downhill from there.

The other day, I was out on a brisk 5 mile run at 6:30 in the morning. It is very humid and hot where I live. About half way through my run, I shed the shirt and I feel as light as a feather. The only problem is the negative consequences of me running in public without a shirt. My first victims were two women walking opposite of me. “Oh my word Megan, would you look at that!” Megan covered her mouth and let out a gasp. As I approached, the other woman started gagging and heaving. When I passed, Megan, who had stepped off the sidewalk and was backing away from me yelled, “PUT YOUR SHIRT ON YOU FREAK!!”

After I passed them, I thought I heard one of them dial a number on her cell phone. I was running through an upscale neighborhood, so maybe these women were just haughty. Two miles later, a mother and daughter were walking their dog. I drew near them. The little girl looked startled and hid behind her mother. The woman looked at me for a split second and then lowered her head and started coughing uncontrollably. The dog turned aggressive and barked rabidly. I stopped and asked the woman if she was OK. The dog kept barking and the woman was trying to hold him back. “I’m fine” she said. She tried to look up, but when she did, she’d get this strained look in her face and then dry heave like Gollum.

The bright side is that I make loads of money off my hairy chest (and back). You see, it’s so thick and smooth that my wife got the idea that we could sell it as pillow-stuffing. We got the idea when I had fallen asleep one evening and the next morning found that our dog had cuddled up in the small of my back. It took a minute to find him. Every week, we get out the hedge clippers and go to work. Once we've sheared off 20 lbs. of the stuff, we ship it to a Swedish firm who turns them into pillows. They call them Apillos … a play on my name … Apollo.

You should see the commercials. A woman in silk pajamas demonstrates the comfort of the Apillo while a low, seductive voice explains the aura of it. “The Apillo will soothe your aching head. Made of 100% man-silk, the Apillo adjusts to the shape of your neck and head giving you the best sleep possible.”

The Apillo costs $59.99.